The Girls

We did family pictures this past weekend, but none of the family turned out. We'll have to redo those next weekend, but here is one of the girls and I. I love my Girls.

Sewing

I have never had the patience that sewing requires a person to have...therefore, I always give up on whatever I'm doing before I should, or I just rush through it, mistakes and all...just so I can say I'm done with it.

Since I've been staying home, I've decided to pull the dusty sewing machine from in the closet, down...and really give it a shot. I've had to use my seam ripper a billion times, but I'm giving it my all! I'm working on a quilt for our bed right now, and have been having a hay day making handle holders for my cast-iron skillets.

I started with finished seams on my handle holders, but then decided I liked the unfinished edge look better. So here they are...really easy. But fun! And now I won't burn my hands when grabbing a hot handle!

Katelynn is getting an upper molar right now, and therefore is being a little stinker and making it impossible to teach Halie today. Dad had to leave for Martinsdale very early this morning and has issues with the word 'quiet' so he managed to wake Katelynn up two hours earlier than normal.

Halie is reading a book right now and making it her own. I love hearing her turn a storybook into whatever she can think up. It never really makes sense, but it's good for her.

She doesn't know about her bed
And her bed is so nice and comfy and she just climbs in.
And something really happens, but you just do what she says.
And the big cat is going to bite you if you go touch her, and she's not nice.
And I love Cinderella.
And Jack and Gus are making a cake.
The dog pooped and I said NOO!
You go outside!
The clock and the apples of the cookies, really get nervous.
And she doesn't really happen about that!

That's Halie's story. I think it has something to do with Cinderella...but maybe it just has her name in it. Anyways, I think today Halie will have to wait until Katelynn naps for mommy to read and teach her.

My little Katelynn just came up to me and said "Poopf?" so looks like I have a task at hand! And a stinky one at that!

I took the girls to see a play at the elementary school in town today. The Missoula Children's Theater came to Harlowton to teach all the kids Robinson Crusoe in a week (five days actually), and then they got to preform today! Pretty good job for only having practiced for five days. Anyways, Halie loved it and Katelynn raised an eye-brow a couple times...but mainly stuck with flirting with the people behind us and shouting out baby words, with an occassional, embarrasing toot, followed by the words "Ki-Ki!", which means Stinky but I just let everyone else think she was saying Kitty. She likes to tell me all about her bodily functions...I wonder where she gets that (rolling my eyes)? "Poopf?" and "Ki-Ki" and "Ew". She's a hoot.

After we left the play, my friend and I took the girls to get a soft-serve (BAD Mallory!) and well, I haven't counted points since then today. I figure if I don't mess up every once in awhile, then I'm no longer human. It was good! I ended up finishing Halie's (Strike TWO!) because, she couldn't keep up and she kept getting brain freeze. She didn't seem to mind.

My hubby was searching the fridge and pantry for food when I got home, and so he sat down with a bowl of chips, and shared with the girls while I made dinner. We had Chicken, bacon, cheddar, burgers with honey mustard, shrooms and onions. I ate almost a whole sandwich (Strike THREE!).

Today was not a good day for Weight Watchers. Tomorrow is running, strength training and eating right! We're doing family pictures too!

Today was a somewhat productive day. We woke up, got Dad out the door and ate our usual breakfast of Cheerios and fruit. Then it was just off to the races as soon as Katelynn got out of her high chair! I managed to vacuum with a baby on my hip, but now am stuck wondering why I even try to keep the floors clean because it never fails that when we come in from playing outside, someone 'forgets' to take their shoes off (me usually...go figure!) and tracks dirt in. Blah. Then I start over. I got some much needed dusting done too. I'm really trying to prepare for Dusk tomorrow (when Sabbath begins).

Katelynn is finally walking now (16 months old), although she's still got a ways to go with balancing her new-found act. Walking means getting into more things, although I'm not sure how she does it considering she can't move very fast...but she does manage to sneak off and keep me on my toes. She's talking way more than Halie was at this age. Everytime we go stand by the window, she points down to the ranch below us where all the cows are and says, "C-OOW?" It's really cute. She's also really taking a liking to her dad which is good to see. It truly is amazing how much you can forget about what babies do, until you have another one to remind you. Then you're thinking, Oh yeah, I remember when that happened with the first!

Halie is learning to read 3 letter words. I mix them up on a daily basis, but also stick to similar words so she can familiarize herself with what she's reading. It's motivation for her. As soon as she reads a word, she'll proudly exclaim, "I DID IT!" and then she'll stick out her hand for a high-five. Numbers seem to be a bit trickier. We're counting well up to the number 13 and can recognize them for the most part. We have all the letters down along with the sounds they make. I keep thinking how I'm going to teach her bigger words, but we're still a ways off from there. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Ryan is working his hiney off with the business, which slowed for awhile, but is picking up again. Praise God for always coming through. Of course he'd much rather do just locksmithing, but he seems to be great at construction too. At least he has work! There seem to be many out there struggling so bad with the way things have gone down in this country. Jobs are becoming harder to come by (and keep) and we just pray that what Ryan has going, will continue. Believe me, this whole mess has definitely affected us too. In the meantime, I'm holding down the fort here at home and really learning to enjoy the peacefulness living out here brings. Rarely do I get lonely anymore. My kids keep me happy and I have some good friends in town who I visit with once a week or so. It's hard to get bored out here with two kiddos keeping me running around all day!

The house is a total construction zone right now, and things are coming together slowly but surely. Before next winter, we'll have sheet rock up, and our kitchen will begin getting a face-lift. At least we're making progress (and all my windows are done in the front room! Wee!).

Halie's Family

From left, to right: Katelynn, Pinky (the dog), Daddy, Mommy and Halie. (Halie said to Daddy, "You have hair and Mommy is big!") Little kids crack me up.

Kindle?

I've seen the ad for the Kindle 2 quite a few times as my computer loads Amazon.com's home page. Tonight, I decided to actually click on it to see what the hay it was!

The Kindle 2 is a device that can hold upto 1500 books, go for days without being charged and to me, is a crock! Whatever happened to picking up a good ol' paperback or hardcover? When and WHY did it become popular to spend almost $400 on a piece of plastic, to read your books on? Heck! I could go to the library and read unlimited books for free.

Sometimes I wonder about things like this. I know for a fact I would find one hundred things better to spend my money on if I had it laying around. It must be one of those status symbols because I can't figure out why anyone would buy one, other than that one reason!

Would YOUR Doctor sign THIS?

Physician's Warranty of Vaccine Safety

I (Physician's name, degree)_________________________, _____ am a physician licensed to practice medicine in the State of ________________. My State license number is _______________ , and my DEA number is _______________. My medical specialty is ________________________

I have a thorough understanding of the risks and benefits of all the medications that I prescribe for or administer to my patients. In the case of (Patient"s name) ___________________________ , age _________ , whom I have examined, I find that certain risk factors exist that justify the recommended vaccinations. The following is a list of said risk factors and the vaccinations that will protect against them:

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

Risk Factor ____________________________________________

Vaccination ___________________________________________

I am aware that vaccines typically contain many of the following fillers:

* aluminum hydroxide

* aluminum phosphate

* ammonium sulfate

* amphotericin B

* animal tissues: pig blood, horse blood, rabbit brain,

* dog kidney, monkey kidney,

* chick embryo, chicken egg, duck egg

* calf (bovine) serum

* betapropiolactone

* fetal bovine serum

* formaldehyde

* formalin

* gelatin

* glycerol

* human diploid cells (originating from human aborted fetal tissue)

* hydrolized gelatin

* mercury thimerosol (thimerosal, Merthiolate(r))

* monosodium glutamate (MSG)

* neomycin

* neomycin sulfate

* phenol red indicator

* phenoxyethanol (antifreeze)

* potassium diphosphate

* potassium monophosphate

* polymyxin B

* polysorbate 20

* polysorbate 80

* porcine (pig) pancreatic hydrolysate of casein

* residual MRC5 proteins

* sorbitol

* tri(n)butylphosphate,

* VERO cells, a continuous line of monkey kidney cells, and

* washed sheep red blood

and, hereby, warrant that these ingredients are safe for injection into the body of my patient. I have researched reports to the contrary, such as reports that mercury thimerosol causes severe neurological and immunological damage, and find that they are not credible.

I am aware that some vaccines have been found to have been contaminated with Simian Virus 40 (SV 40) and that SV 40 is causally linked by some researchers to non-Hodgkin"s lymphoma and mesotheliomas in humans as well as in experimental animals. I hereby warrant that the vaccines I employ in my practice do not contain SV 40 or any other live viruses. (Alternately, I hereby warrant that said SV-40 virus or other viruses pose no substantive risk to my patient.)

I hereby warrant that the vaccines I am recommending for the care of (Patient"s name) _______________ _______________________ do not contain any tissue from aborted human babies (also known as "fetuses").

In order to protect my patient"s well being, I have taken the following steps to guarantee that the vaccines I will use will contain no damaging contaminants.

STEPS TAKEN: ______________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

I have personally investigated the reports made to the VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System) and state that it is my professional opinion that the vaccines I am recommending are safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years.

The bases for my opinion are itemized on Exhibit A , attached hereto, -- "Physician"s Bases for Professional Opinion of Vaccine Safety." (Please itemize each recommended vaccine separately along with the bases for arriving at the conclusion that the vaccine is safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years.)

The professional journal articles I have relied upon in the issuance of this Physician"s Warranty of Vaccine Safety are itemized on Exhibit B , attached hereto, -- "Scientific Articles in Support of Physician"s Warranty of Vaccine Safety."

The professional journal articles that I have read which contain opinions adverse to my opinion are itemized on Exhibit C , attached hereto, -- "Scientific Articles Contrary to Physician"s Opinion of Vaccine Safety."

The reasons for my determining that the articles in Exhibit C were invalid are delineated in Attachment D , attached hereto, -- "Physician"s Reasons for Determining the Invalidity of Adverse Scientific Opinions."

Hepatitis B

I understand that 60 percent of patients who are vaccinated for Hepatitis B will lose detectable antibodies to Hepatitis B within 12 years. I understand that in 1996 only 54 cases of Hepatitis B were reported to the CDC in the 0-1 year age group. I understand that in the VAERS, there were 1,080 total reports of adverse reactions from Hepatitis B vaccine in 1996 in the 0-1 year age group, with 47 deaths reported.

I understand that 50 percent of patients who contract Hepatitis B develop no symptoms after exposure. I understand that 30 percent will develop only flu-like symptoms and will have lifetime immunity. I understand that 20 percent will develop the symptoms of the disease, but that 95 percent will fully recover and have lifetime immunity.

I understand that 5 percent of the patients who are exposed to Hepatitis B will become chronic carriers of the disease. I understand that 75 percent of the chronic carriers will live with an asymptomatic infection and that only 25 percent of the chronic carriers will develop chronic liver disease or liver cancer, 10-30 years after the acute infection.

The following scientific studies have been performed to demonstrate the safety of the Hepatitis B vaccine in children under the age of 5 years.

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

In addition to the recommended vaccinations as protections against the above cited risk factors, I have recommended other non-vaccine measures to protect the health of my patient and have enumerated said non-vaccine measures on Exhibit D , attached hereto, "Non-vaccine Measures to Protect Against Risk Factors."

I am issuing this Physician"s Warranty of Vaccine Safety in my professional capacity as the attending physician to (Patient"s name) ________________________________.

Regardless of the legal entity under which I normally practice medicine, I am issuing this statement in both my business and individual capacities and hereby waive any statutory, Common Law, Constitutional, UCC, international treaty, and any other legal immunities from liability lawsuits in the instant case.

I issue this document of my own free will after consultation with competent legal counsel whose name is _____________________________, an attorney admitted to the Bar in the State of __________________ .

__________________________________ (Name of Attending Physician)

__________________________________ L.S. (Signature of Attending Physician)

Signed on this _______ day of ______________ A.D. ________

Witness: _______________________________ Date: ______________________

Notary Public: ___________________________ Date: ______________________



I am encouraged that several articles on Mercola.com were the source of much of the information used by one of our long-term, devoted readers in writing this Physician’s Warranty of Vaccine Safety. You may read one such original article here. This demonstrates that Mercola.com is making a difference.

Six weeks down...however long it takes, to go!

I'm almost to my 60 day mark of working out consistently, but just entering my fifth week of Weight Watchers. Before I started Weight Watchers, and was just exercising...but not watching what went into my mouth, I lost 6 pounds. Since beginning Weight Watchers, I have lost another almost 9 pounds!

This is the longest I have ever stuck with any program for weight loss, be it exercise or diet/nutrition...and it's still VERY hard at times! Especially when I make my yummy home made pizza with beer dough! You have no idea how hard it is to say to myself, No...I'm only going to eat ONE piece! Some days I fail miserably at counting my points and end up eating six cookies, but for the most part, I am good! Hey! I'm only human!

So far, I'm back into a size 12 pants (started at a 16!) and my goal is to get back into a 7 again. I know I can do it! I am a little worried about the extra skin that will be hanging around after I lose the weight, but it's better than all the extra fat hanging around. I only wish I had taken my first 'Before' picture so I could better see my progress.

Bottom line, Weight Watchers is showing me that losing weight and being healthy is not about dieting...it's about consistency and lifestyle change! I can eat WHATEVER I want with Weight Watchers...but I just have to limit my portions (which seem like nothing sometimes). For example, I get to eat 24 points (I'm almost down to the next weight bracket...then I'll have to lower my points by 2!) plus 5 flex points a day (you get 35 a week which you can use all at once, or little by little. They DO NOT carry over). I could use my exercise points too, but I don't. If I choose to eat a giant bagel with cream cheese, some bacon and scrambled eggs...I just shot about 12 points on breakfast alone. Now, for the rest of the day...I'm going to eat like a bird, or eat too much and exceed my points. This is a 'typical' day for me, give or take!

Breakfast
1 Cup Bran Flakes with 1 T Honey and 1/2 Cup Skim milk
1 Banana
2 T Coffeemate creamer in my coffee
Total: 7 Points

Lunch
1 can tuna, drained
1 T Mayonnaise
1 T Relish
1 Stalk Celery, chopped
1/4 Cup onion, chopped
2 Cups romaine
4 Saltine crackers
Total: 7 Points

Snack
2 homemade cookies, small
1 cup skim milk
Total: 5 points (this is where I use my flex points...gotta have that treat!)

Dinner
3 Ounce Chicken breast, baked and seasoned with Jonny's Seasoning Salt
2 Cups broccoli, steamed
Green salad beefed up with lots of veggies, squeezed orange, salt and pepper.
Some of my tasty beer bread! (1/8 of a loaf)
1 Cup of low-fat chocolate milk 3 points
Total: 10 points

Points for the Day: 24 + 5 Flex Points = 29!

Hair-Do's

Little girl hair is so so much fun! Halie's hair is getting really long and thickening up a lot, and Katelynn's fuzz is filling in too! Today, I did piggy tails on Katelynn and a french braid on Halie. Halie asks me if she can be pretty, and if I can 'brush her hair long'. Katelynn's hair-do doesn't last very long. She's usually pulling at it five minutes later saying "NOOOO! TEE TEE?!" (Translation, 'No pretty!') Katelynn is way more vocal than Halie was at this age. I love watching them grow and watching them learn new things and how different they are!

Hooray for Beer Bread!

Want to try making the easiest, tastiest bread on the planet? This Beer Bread is a true culinary delight, and will surely make everyone who tries it, crave it for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I recently started making this hearty, buttery bread for dinner and my husband who is a true food critic, said it was just as good (I think it's better) as my homemade biscuits! Here is the easy, fool-proof recipe!

3 Cups Flour, sifted (you HAVE to sift or your bread turns out like a brick!)
3 Tsp Baking Powder (omit if using self-rising flour)
1 Tsp Salt (omit if using self-rising flour)
1/4 Cup Sugar
1 12 Oz Beer
1/4 Cup Butter (real butter people!), melted

Sift dry ingredients together, and slowly add in beer. This dough will be very sticky, but you don't need to further knead it or handle it with your hands at all. Pour into a greased bread pan and pour your melted butter over top of your dough. Bake in pre-heated oven for 1 hour at 375 degrees, and let cool for 15 minutes.

Voila! You now know the secret to happiness. It's all I can do not to eat more than 2 pieces of this yummy stuff. Darn Weight Watchers! :) Happy Beer Bread making!

Beginning of the End, Part II

I remember taking a camping trip up to the beautiful Mountains of Burney, California with Ryan, his brother and sister-in-law. I didn't think about the pregnancy once and felt a sense of peace that I had not felt in a long time. On the five hour drive home, I remember talking about the pregnancy with Ryan. He told me to do what I wanted but that a baby would ruin us. I tried getting him excited, but it wasn't working. He was newly 21, and enjoying his freedom as a young man, out on his own. He wasn't walking with the Lord, and either was I. I know God was trying to speak to me, to get my attention at that time in my life...but I ignored Him. I listened to the Earthly voices, instead of the Divine and Heavenly.

I had an appointment with my OB (who at this time was under the impression that I was keeping the baby) and I was 12 weeks along. It was time for an ultra-sound! I was so excited! I knew that if everyone 'saw' my baby, they would want me to keep it! I had the ultra-sound done and couldn't help but grin from ear to ear because of the miracle I saw moving all around inside of me. I saw 'his' little nose, toes and arms, moving all about. I was so excited, and in love. My doctor printed some pictures of the scan and even printed little words on them that said, "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy". I couldn't wait to show everyone!

I remember how excited I was, and how nobody else was. It was a let-down, like you can't even imagine. I still told myself I was going to keep my baby. People would get over it.

Ryan and I kept talking about things. The more and more I talked to him, the more and more I saw he didn't want this baby. I now know he was just as confused as I was...because there were days where he said he thought it would be a good thing to keep the baby. We were both young, and lost. There weren't many folks there offering help and support. It was a cold world we were living in.

One day, I decided to just 'get it over with' (are you confused yet? Imagine how the inside of my brain looked!). I was sick of the pressure and pain I was suffering from my friends and family. I was never right about the facts I presented about abortion and I was always presented with statistics and scientific studies on why I was wrong. Abortion was just too accepted, and still is. Too many who have never had one, support it...and too many women who have experienced it, are too afraid to stand up against it because they are too ashamed.

I made an appointment with an abortion clinic in San Francisco and Ryan and I drove down. I stared out the window the whole way down to the city, thinking about how I really didn't want to do what I was about to do. When we got there, we were greeted by a young woman in stark-white, nursing attire, and probably about 15 pro-life activists trying to persuade me out of walking into that clinic. The nurse told me not to listen to them. So I tried not to. I just smiled politely and walked inside, wondering if they could've steered me in the right direction. When we got inside, I was seated in an office and felt quite numb. Ryan and I talked with the doctor who was to preform the abortion and after she told us the costs we decided to see if Kaiser preformed them.

We left the clinic in San Francisco and called up Kaiser in Santa Rosa. They told us they did preform abortions and that it would only cost us around 30 dollars, and the insurance would cover the rest. I honestly don't know how I agreed to have an abortion looking back now. I think when one is under so much stress and dealing with so much, it's hard to make wise decisions. Either way, I made the decision to have the abortion whether I wanted to or not.

The days before my abortion, I went in to be dilated by the doctor who was to do the abortion. I kept asking him all sorts of questions and was bawling intermittently. He told me how they preformed the abortion (which I can't write about because it will make me sick, but you can Google second trimester abortions) and then he told me he would not preform an abortion on someone who was as emotional and scared as I was, and I got sent home. When I got home, I told my mom and Ryan about how he wouldn't preform the abortion. I don't remember the reactions, and to be perfectly honest, I don't remember much from that point on. It's amazing how your mind will block certain things out...even things as big as abortion.

Somehow, I ended up back into the office of the doctor who sent me away days earlier. I tried my hardest to keep a straight face (numb again) and to not let my emotional side come out. I ended up getting dilated with these little seaweed sticks that got shoved into my cervix and from there began to expand and slowly dilate me. It was very painful and I remember I got sick a few times because of the pain and because of the thought of what I was really doing. I remember getting a voice mail from Ryan when I got back out to the Kaiser parking lot, telling me that I didn't have to do what I was about to do. I could hear the sorrow in his voice, but I felt that it was over and I would not be jumping through anymore emotional hoops at this time. I felt deeply saddened and ashamed. I got home, and jumped onto my bed where I started to cry and ask myself why I was going through with this awful thing. My mom came in and I remember telling her how my heart was aching so bad because my baby didn't have a choice. That I was ending it's life and how I didn't have the right to call any body's shots at life, but I was.

The morning of my abortion, we got to the hospital very early in the morning. I checked in and remember the check-in clerk asking me if I wanted a Chaplain to come and visit with me. I thought I would make a dumb joke by saying, "I don't think the Chaplain would want to come visit with me if he knew what I was doing." The guy didn't think it was funny...and I knew, it wasn't. Me trying to make any light of this whatsoever was a terrible thing to do.

I waited for my name to be called from the waiting room. They brought me into a more 'sterile' waiting room filled with other patients for various surgeries, where I had to put on the whole surgery gig. The hat, the booties and the gown. Then they proceeded to hook me up to IVs and such. I started panicking, and started crying uncontrollably again. The doctor had showed up, and I knew the time was coming for my 'procedure'. When the doctor came up to me, I started crying even harder and was begging for them not to do this. He calmly reassured me that what I was feeling was normal and then I remember I started laughing! They gave me some sort of drug in my IV that made me laugh. I was so confused. I then remember getting wheeled into a big room and being centered directly in the middle of it. I remember a bright light above me and the doctor in his mask and doctor garb hovering over me saying I was going to go to sleep now. That's all I remember.

When I woke up, I felt blood gushing out of me. They had already wheeled me out to recovery and when the nurse sat me up, I felt even more blood come out. I felt relieved in a way. It must have been the temporary 'denial' setting in. Ryan came in, and knelt at my side. He was teary-eyed and I remember telling him, "This is what you wanted, and now you're crying?!". I was still drugged up, and feeling very little emotion. My mom then came in and I don't remember anything that was said really. My mom and Ryan drove me home. I can't remember anything about the next few days or weeks even, besides what my mom did the afternoon I got home from killing my baby. I was sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette, and my mom went for a walk. She was looking rather melancholy. She later told me that she took my 12 week ultrasound pictures and walked to the miniature park and grieved. At this point I was just thinking how I couldn't believe everyone was grieving over something they wanted. I wouldn't have gone through all of this trouble if I would have known this is how everyone was going to react.

[I realize that my story bounces all over the place, and maybe certain things happened before others...but it's truly hard for me to remember the exact details of every bump in the road in this story. You'll have to bear with me. Like I said before, my mind has blocked a lot of this out and I have to really try to remember certain things.]

I felt a false sense of relief for the first month or so after the abortion. I went on with life like nothing had ever happened. Maybe a little longer, I'm not sure. It wasn't until Thanksgiving at Ryan's mom's house that I came unglued. We were surrounded by a few of Ryan's close family members and I felt like something was missing. I also noticed I was trying to cover up the fact I had just had an abortion. I felt shamed and dirty. These people were not judging me, but yes, I'm sure they all knew the truth. I remember I started crying and ended up in the bathroom for most of the get together because I couldn't keep it together. My mom came in a few times and decided I needed to go home.

She was driving me home and I was sitting in the backseat saying that I hated myself for doing what I did and that I wanted more than anything to take it back. I felt so emotionally sick and I don't think I could ever describe it. It was a loss that could never be replaced. It was a tragedy that I placed on myself and now I was dealing with the aftermath. Oh, but this was just the beginning. I didn't realize that a month or so down the line, I would be dealing with severe depression episodes and Obsessive Compulsive behaviors that I would carry into my next pregnancy, which would then develop into severe Postpartum Depression/OCD.

When my mental state quickly began deteriorating, I sank into a deep depression of guilt and overall sadness. I didn't have a clue what was going on with me, except for the fact that it was not normal. My relationship with Ryan was turning sour because of my mental damage and I also started having very disturbing intrusive thoughts and frightening flashbacks of the actual abortion (which I was totally knocked out for). My mind would start drifting off and I would see the bright lights shining on my body, what looked to be students surrounding the operating table, and the abortion taking place. I still have these horrifying flashbacks. They were especially bad when I went in for my c-section with my first daughter. I relived the abortion all over again, but ended up with a beautiful outcome...Halie Karissa. I now have Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome.

I have finally dealt with the depression and OCD, but dealt with it for over a year before seeking help. I still think of this terrible experience everyday, but know that my child is in the arms of a merciful Father and is safe and loved. I can't turn back time but I know that I have been forgiven and will always live my life defending innocent babies and the confused mothers of them who are faced with the choice that I had to make, from now on.

Now I have two beautiful girls, and my husband and I have promised eachother, and God that we will never give eachother the choice to abort another innocent being, ever again.

The moral of the story is, ABORTION IS MURDER BECAUSE IT KILLS BABIES AND HURTS MOMMIES.

The Beginning of the End

On October 30th, 2003, I made a decision that would change my life forever. I aborted my child, at 17 weeks pregnant. I feel convicted to write about my experience, to spread the truth about how abortion hurts women, and kills babies, everyday, every minute and every second.

At the beginning of August, 2003, I discovered I was pregnant. I was just about to enter my senior year in high school, and was in a serious relationship with my (now husband) boyfriend of almost two years. We had discussed various birth control options, and even tried a few. Right before I got pregnant, I had a colposcopy (a biopsy of the cervix) to rule out any suspicions of cervical cancer since my pap had come back abnormal. I was told not to have sex for a month, so I quit my birth control and ended up (obviously) having sex and conceiving my first child.

I remember feeling two emotions when I found out about my new pregnancy. The first emotion was, shock. I was shocked that I was really pregnant and shocked about my future life as a mother. My second emotion was, joy. I was overcome with joy that I was going to be a mother, not thinking of how anyone would react or try to influence me in any other direction. I was keeping this baby!

Sadly, my friends and family around me, didn't see this news the way I wanted them too. I was pummeled with everyone's, "You will ruin your life!" and "You are too young." and "Your relationship with Ryan will deteriorate!" I had one person in my life that was supportive of what I wanted, my Mother-In-Law. I clung to her, although ultimately I felt the hot coals being dumped on my head from the rest of the world to do what they thought was right.

Kaiser Permanente was my health care provider at the time, and I'm sure they were just as confused (if not more) as I was about my flip-flopping decision to keep, or end my pregnancy. One minute I would tell them that I wanted this baby more than life itself, and the next I was telling them I was going to have an abortion, and would make all these excuses and justify my reasoning some how, even though I knew in my heart it was the wrong choice, and I was just making that choice to make everyone leave me alone.

I met up with Pregnancy Counseling Center in Santa Rosa, California one day after work because I was so stressed and emotional over the decision at hand. I didn't realize they were a Christian organization until I started talking to them. There were two, nice ladies that brought me into a dimly lit, small room, with three comfy chairs, some simple artwork on the walls and a feeling of peace and reassurance that I truly needed to feel at that moment. They started talking to me about how there was no positive thing that came out of abortion, and explained to me all the risks associated with one, but also gave me support, saying that I could do anything, even with a baby. They sent me off with a yellow piece of paper, that had all the risks associated with abortion listed on it. I probably read that paper a thousand times.

I started sharing this Pro-Life information (it's TRUE information) on abortion with everyone. I wanted everyone to know what would happen to me if I had an abortion. I had my face spit on, to be perfectly honest. Nobody cared why or how it happened, or how I would be emotionally and mentally changed from an abortion...they just wanted to see my LIFE get back on track!

To Be Continued...

Oh Little Coupe

Today I handed the keys over to my little, red, coupe. My 99' Honda that I would drive on the country roads to our home, in the summertime, with the windows rolled up, being careful to avoid the monster grasshoppers I was deathly afraid of (still am) that always managed to flock my windshield. The car that booked it to 80 miles to Billings in the dead of a cold December night, so I could deliver my baby. I've even bogged through snow drifts a few times and it's never let me down (OK, I got stuck on our road in a huge mud puddle once).

Debt is something most of us don't exactly like hanging around, so we decided it was time to get rid of my little car, to avoid future payments on it. Getting rid of that makes half of our grocery bill! Now I have my Camry Wagon to ride around in...and yes, I do like my wagon, mind you. We'll be getting rid of our camper next and a few other odds and ends. Things are tight when Momma stays home, but it's SO worth it.

So my little coupe is now at the car lot, on consignment. I hope it's future driver is blessed with the luck it shared with me.

Spice My Chai!

Chai has become one of my favorite beverages, but it's so stinkin' expensive! I've been on a mission for awhile now to find a good recipe (and yes, I have found one that I will share another time) but till I get to Billings, and get the ingredients to make a huge batch of it, I've been drinking Oregon Chai, and spicing it up. Their chai just doesn't do it for me without me mixing my own spices in with it. So here's what I add (in case you're wondering how to spice up your chai life too)!

1/2 Cup Oregon Chai
1/2 Cup Soy (or regular milk)
1/4 Teaspoon ground, Ginger
1/4 Teaspoon ground, Cloves
Dash of white (or black) Pepper
A tad of Cardamom if you wish!

And Voila! The perfect cup of chai! I love a good, not to sweet, spicy chai! I'll post my recipe for Instant, Spiced Chai next time (made from scratch, YUM)!

My Own, Contradiction

A few months ago, I was really having a hard time deciding whether or not to vaccinate and wrote a post on how I supported vaccinations. Halie is totally current on the CDC schedule of vaccines (I never thought to study things like shots when she was born...did everything to the book), but Katelynn has been behind for almost six months, due to my avoiding it. I thought I believed that I needed to vaccinate, but now I'm really starting to feel opposite about my past-feelings, again. I'm starting to feel like 'shots' are just another way for the big-man at the top of companies like GlaxoSmithKline to make another buck. I'm starting to think that there really is a link to autism and SIDS due to vaccination. There's proof everywhere you look! Yes, the chances are small, I'm sure. But do I want to take that risk? Yes, I know the other side of the coin too. I guess I'm just not willing to shoot formaldehyde, thimiserol and other icky toxins into my kid's arm anymore! Do your research, make your own decision, and don't judge mine.

Late Night, Early Morning.

My eyes are burning as I try to find something quiet to do on the computer to tantalize my boredom pangs at 3 a.m. It's not like I do anything noisy on the computer at wee hours of the morning (yawn), but I can't clang dishes or flip lights on while everyone is sleeping. Wondering why I'm awake? Lets blame that on the guy that built our house who was obviously thinking that he was still in California at the time of construction.

The pipes in our home are in the attic like that of a home in California. Yes there is a little insulation, but there's only so much that insulation can do when it's -11 outside. Yep, it's cold! This freezing weather has hubby and me switching shifts at night to feed our wood stoves and check on dripping faucets. We have both of our stoves going, bathroom faucets dripping and portable heaters in the attic, bathroom and in Katelynn's unfinished room.

Ryan stayed up till 3, and is now in bed. I went to bed at 9, and got up at 3 with a not-so-jolly attitude. Usually I'm not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at hours like this. Props to my husband for being able to be up so late...or early...or whatever because I couldn't do it. I am definitely the opposite of a night owl. What would you call that? I believe the term would be, Granny, though I'm quite the young Granny I suppose.

My View on Vaccines

Both of my girls are current on vaccines. Halie got her first shot minutes after she was born, and Katelynn, about 4 months after she was born. Why did I wait the second time around? There is just so so so much controversy over the whole vaccine ordeal that I wasn't really aware of until I became pregnant with Katelynn, that I kept flip flopping on my decision to get her the shots I feared, or not.

I did a lot of research supporting both sides, and decided I needed to make a decision and stick to it. Should I take the risk of my child becoming infected with meningitis or whooping cough at a young age where in that case, one of those diseases could be potentially deadly if I chose not to vaccinate? Or should I vaccinate knowing that there is a small percent of a reaction and possible injury or death occurring from those shots? Those are two heavy things to think about. Especially when it involves your children.

After going back and forth with my fears and concerns, I knew that the right thing was to get the shots done because ultimately, the benefits of those shots outweigh the risks tenfold. Considering how people died from these terrible diseases (polio, pertussis, tetanus, hep b etc) not even a hundred years ago, and now...there have hardly been any cases of those diseases in America since vaccines became available to protect against them.

It took me awhile to figure things out, but I got it right, and now I can rest easy knowing I did the right thing for my children in making the choice to get them vaccinated. They are both happy, healthy girls and I don't regret my decision at all to vaccinate.

Trying New Things

I've discovered in having my second child, that it can be quite the hindrance at times when it comes to bed times, dinner and one-on-one time with my hubby and 3 year old. Don't get me wrong, I love Katelynn so much and wouldn't do anything to change things, but I just feel like I get nowhere sometimes because she requires so much extra of me. That sounds so bad, I know, but it's not like that at all. I guess I can't describe how I truly feel without sounding like a terrible, unappreciative mother. Halie was my easy baby, and I always find myself comparing Katelynn to her, and going back to the same parenting techniques I used before. I have to constantly remind myself that Katelynn is not Baby Halie so therefore, needs to be brought up differently to suite hers and our needs. She's not a bad baby, she's just different and has a bit more of a 'kick' to her. She keeps me on my toes and then some.

Bedtime, I dread putting little Katelynn down for the night because it usually doesn't happen how I want. Every time I nurse and comfort her to sleep, creep slowly to her crib and ever so gently set her down, she awakes, frantic and screaming for me to pick her up again. Aye! This goes on for typically 2 hours or so until I'm so frustrated and drained I just let her scream and I go in my room and stick a pillow over top my head. She'll scream (bless her) for HOURS sometimes.

Last night, I decided something had to change. My whole family is stressed out because of her little cry-fests, so we decided to set her a bedtime, and make a routine that we can stick to for every night of the week until she is able to fall asleep without mommy right there for hours. I was thinking, Halie goes to bed around 8ish so I would start putting Katelynn down around 7 so I could have some time with Halie before she hit the hay. Sounds good, right? Here we go!

Tonight, I gave Katelynn her dinner, we walked around outside and watched Halie ride her bike until about 6:30. Then we went in for a bath while Halie stayed out with Daddy and splashed around in there for about 15 minutes. I dried her little baby bod off, rubbed her down with lotion and put her p.j.'s on. Then we nursed and I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star thinking that if I started singing that song every night, she would soon start to realize that we were close to bedtime and it would be easier for her to get to bed once I set her down in her crib...awake. She decided she was done nursing after about 5 minutes, so I gave her a kiss and a cuddle, set her in her crib and told her 'night night, I love you' before walking out of the room. Feeling confident about the night, I decided to go outside and have some one-on-one time with God. It was great. I got to enjoy his presence undisturbed and tell Him all about the night and how much I needed his support and love through this whole routine thing. Although Katelynn cried for a good 45 minutes, I feel things will improve if I press on with what I started (something I'm terrible at).

Solids, Sitting up and Shawmut House

Katelynn is sitting up now! It goes by so much faster the second time...watching your child grow that is. Both my girls started sitting up around five months and it's such a proud feeling watching your children grow and reach all of their milestones accordingly. Crawling will be soon to follow I'm sure. Just seeing how happy my little baby gets when she looks up at me after I've set her down on the floor to sit, makes my heart melt. They're so precious.

Halie was never big on solids until around 9-10 months old it seems. Katelynn on the other hand has been snaring at whatever we're eating since she was about four months, so I started her on solids. The first few weeks, it was just a little bit of really runny cereal, but she gobbled it down. Today, we started sweet potatoes and she loves those. We're taking it slow, but if it were up to her, she'd be eating steak and potatoes I'm sure. Still nursing too. About every 3 hours. She's at the day care now, so I go nurse her when they call to say she's hungry and that way, I don't have to pump because MAN! Pumping is a pain when you're working practically full-time and still trying to maintain a household and be a good mommy and wife in your spare time.

Our house is really coming along. My hubby is pulling in a lot of extra side jobs right now so we're able to afford things we weren't planning on buying till next summer. It's great. I'm in a great spot right now. I love where we live, I have a few great friends that I've become close to, I'm discovering more about myself and my relationship with God and things are just really coming together for my family. I'm so blessed. My marriage has improved greatly since we've had less stress in our lives and are finally getting the ball rolling with our house.