Beginning of the End, Part II

I remember taking a camping trip up to the beautiful Mountains of Burney, California with Ryan, his brother and sister-in-law. I didn't think about the pregnancy once and felt a sense of peace that I had not felt in a long time. On the five hour drive home, I remember talking about the pregnancy with Ryan. He told me to do what I wanted but that a baby would ruin us. I tried getting him excited, but it wasn't working. He was newly 21, and enjoying his freedom as a young man, out on his own. He wasn't walking with the Lord, and either was I. I know God was trying to speak to me, to get my attention at that time in my life...but I ignored Him. I listened to the Earthly voices, instead of the Divine and Heavenly.

I had an appointment with my OB (who at this time was under the impression that I was keeping the baby) and I was 12 weeks along. It was time for an ultra-sound! I was so excited! I knew that if everyone 'saw' my baby, they would want me to keep it! I had the ultra-sound done and couldn't help but grin from ear to ear because of the miracle I saw moving all around inside of me. I saw 'his' little nose, toes and arms, moving all about. I was so excited, and in love. My doctor printed some pictures of the scan and even printed little words on them that said, "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy". I couldn't wait to show everyone!

I remember how excited I was, and how nobody else was. It was a let-down, like you can't even imagine. I still told myself I was going to keep my baby. People would get over it.

Ryan and I kept talking about things. The more and more I talked to him, the more and more I saw he didn't want this baby. I now know he was just as confused as I was...because there were days where he said he thought it would be a good thing to keep the baby. We were both young, and lost. There weren't many folks there offering help and support. It was a cold world we were living in.

One day, I decided to just 'get it over with' (are you confused yet? Imagine how the inside of my brain looked!). I was sick of the pressure and pain I was suffering from my friends and family. I was never right about the facts I presented about abortion and I was always presented with statistics and scientific studies on why I was wrong. Abortion was just too accepted, and still is. Too many who have never had one, support it...and too many women who have experienced it, are too afraid to stand up against it because they are too ashamed.

I made an appointment with an abortion clinic in San Francisco and Ryan and I drove down. I stared out the window the whole way down to the city, thinking about how I really didn't want to do what I was about to do. When we got there, we were greeted by a young woman in stark-white, nursing attire, and probably about 15 pro-life activists trying to persuade me out of walking into that clinic. The nurse told me not to listen to them. So I tried not to. I just smiled politely and walked inside, wondering if they could've steered me in the right direction. When we got inside, I was seated in an office and felt quite numb. Ryan and I talked with the doctor who was to preform the abortion and after she told us the costs we decided to see if Kaiser preformed them.

We left the clinic in San Francisco and called up Kaiser in Santa Rosa. They told us they did preform abortions and that it would only cost us around 30 dollars, and the insurance would cover the rest. I honestly don't know how I agreed to have an abortion looking back now. I think when one is under so much stress and dealing with so much, it's hard to make wise decisions. Either way, I made the decision to have the abortion whether I wanted to or not.

The days before my abortion, I went in to be dilated by the doctor who was to do the abortion. I kept asking him all sorts of questions and was bawling intermittently. He told me how they preformed the abortion (which I can't write about because it will make me sick, but you can Google second trimester abortions) and then he told me he would not preform an abortion on someone who was as emotional and scared as I was, and I got sent home. When I got home, I told my mom and Ryan about how he wouldn't preform the abortion. I don't remember the reactions, and to be perfectly honest, I don't remember much from that point on. It's amazing how your mind will block certain things out...even things as big as abortion.

Somehow, I ended up back into the office of the doctor who sent me away days earlier. I tried my hardest to keep a straight face (numb again) and to not let my emotional side come out. I ended up getting dilated with these little seaweed sticks that got shoved into my cervix and from there began to expand and slowly dilate me. It was very painful and I remember I got sick a few times because of the pain and because of the thought of what I was really doing. I remember getting a voice mail from Ryan when I got back out to the Kaiser parking lot, telling me that I didn't have to do what I was about to do. I could hear the sorrow in his voice, but I felt that it was over and I would not be jumping through anymore emotional hoops at this time. I felt deeply saddened and ashamed. I got home, and jumped onto my bed where I started to cry and ask myself why I was going through with this awful thing. My mom came in and I remember telling her how my heart was aching so bad because my baby didn't have a choice. That I was ending it's life and how I didn't have the right to call any body's shots at life, but I was.

The morning of my abortion, we got to the hospital very early in the morning. I checked in and remember the check-in clerk asking me if I wanted a Chaplain to come and visit with me. I thought I would make a dumb joke by saying, "I don't think the Chaplain would want to come visit with me if he knew what I was doing." The guy didn't think it was funny...and I knew, it wasn't. Me trying to make any light of this whatsoever was a terrible thing to do.

I waited for my name to be called from the waiting room. They brought me into a more 'sterile' waiting room filled with other patients for various surgeries, where I had to put on the whole surgery gig. The hat, the booties and the gown. Then they proceeded to hook me up to IVs and such. I started panicking, and started crying uncontrollably again. The doctor had showed up, and I knew the time was coming for my 'procedure'. When the doctor came up to me, I started crying even harder and was begging for them not to do this. He calmly reassured me that what I was feeling was normal and then I remember I started laughing! They gave me some sort of drug in my IV that made me laugh. I was so confused. I then remember getting wheeled into a big room and being centered directly in the middle of it. I remember a bright light above me and the doctor in his mask and doctor garb hovering over me saying I was going to go to sleep now. That's all I remember.

When I woke up, I felt blood gushing out of me. They had already wheeled me out to recovery and when the nurse sat me up, I felt even more blood come out. I felt relieved in a way. It must have been the temporary 'denial' setting in. Ryan came in, and knelt at my side. He was teary-eyed and I remember telling him, "This is what you wanted, and now you're crying?!". I was still drugged up, and feeling very little emotion. My mom then came in and I don't remember anything that was said really. My mom and Ryan drove me home. I can't remember anything about the next few days or weeks even, besides what my mom did the afternoon I got home from killing my baby. I was sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette, and my mom went for a walk. She was looking rather melancholy. She later told me that she took my 12 week ultrasound pictures and walked to the miniature park and grieved. At this point I was just thinking how I couldn't believe everyone was grieving over something they wanted. I wouldn't have gone through all of this trouble if I would have known this is how everyone was going to react.

[I realize that my story bounces all over the place, and maybe certain things happened before others...but it's truly hard for me to remember the exact details of every bump in the road in this story. You'll have to bear with me. Like I said before, my mind has blocked a lot of this out and I have to really try to remember certain things.]

I felt a false sense of relief for the first month or so after the abortion. I went on with life like nothing had ever happened. Maybe a little longer, I'm not sure. It wasn't until Thanksgiving at Ryan's mom's house that I came unglued. We were surrounded by a few of Ryan's close family members and I felt like something was missing. I also noticed I was trying to cover up the fact I had just had an abortion. I felt shamed and dirty. These people were not judging me, but yes, I'm sure they all knew the truth. I remember I started crying and ended up in the bathroom for most of the get together because I couldn't keep it together. My mom came in a few times and decided I needed to go home.

She was driving me home and I was sitting in the backseat saying that I hated myself for doing what I did and that I wanted more than anything to take it back. I felt so emotionally sick and I don't think I could ever describe it. It was a loss that could never be replaced. It was a tragedy that I placed on myself and now I was dealing with the aftermath. Oh, but this was just the beginning. I didn't realize that a month or so down the line, I would be dealing with severe depression episodes and Obsessive Compulsive behaviors that I would carry into my next pregnancy, which would then develop into severe Postpartum Depression/OCD.

When my mental state quickly began deteriorating, I sank into a deep depression of guilt and overall sadness. I didn't have a clue what was going on with me, except for the fact that it was not normal. My relationship with Ryan was turning sour because of my mental damage and I also started having very disturbing intrusive thoughts and frightening flashbacks of the actual abortion (which I was totally knocked out for). My mind would start drifting off and I would see the bright lights shining on my body, what looked to be students surrounding the operating table, and the abortion taking place. I still have these horrifying flashbacks. They were especially bad when I went in for my c-section with my first daughter. I relived the abortion all over again, but ended up with a beautiful outcome...Halie Karissa. I now have Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome.

I have finally dealt with the depression and OCD, but dealt with it for over a year before seeking help. I still think of this terrible experience everyday, but know that my child is in the arms of a merciful Father and is safe and loved. I can't turn back time but I know that I have been forgiven and will always live my life defending innocent babies and the confused mothers of them who are faced with the choice that I had to make, from now on.

Now I have two beautiful girls, and my husband and I have promised eachother, and God that we will never give eachother the choice to abort another innocent being, ever again.

The moral of the story is, ABORTION IS MURDER BECAUSE IT KILLS BABIES AND HURTS MOMMIES.

The Beginning of the End

On October 30th, 2003, I made a decision that would change my life forever. I aborted my child, at 17 weeks pregnant. I feel convicted to write about my experience, to spread the truth about how abortion hurts women, and kills babies, everyday, every minute and every second.

At the beginning of August, 2003, I discovered I was pregnant. I was just about to enter my senior year in high school, and was in a serious relationship with my (now husband) boyfriend of almost two years. We had discussed various birth control options, and even tried a few. Right before I got pregnant, I had a colposcopy (a biopsy of the cervix) to rule out any suspicions of cervical cancer since my pap had come back abnormal. I was told not to have sex for a month, so I quit my birth control and ended up (obviously) having sex and conceiving my first child.

I remember feeling two emotions when I found out about my new pregnancy. The first emotion was, shock. I was shocked that I was really pregnant and shocked about my future life as a mother. My second emotion was, joy. I was overcome with joy that I was going to be a mother, not thinking of how anyone would react or try to influence me in any other direction. I was keeping this baby!

Sadly, my friends and family around me, didn't see this news the way I wanted them too. I was pummeled with everyone's, "You will ruin your life!" and "You are too young." and "Your relationship with Ryan will deteriorate!" I had one person in my life that was supportive of what I wanted, my Mother-In-Law. I clung to her, although ultimately I felt the hot coals being dumped on my head from the rest of the world to do what they thought was right.

Kaiser Permanente was my health care provider at the time, and I'm sure they were just as confused (if not more) as I was about my flip-flopping decision to keep, or end my pregnancy. One minute I would tell them that I wanted this baby more than life itself, and the next I was telling them I was going to have an abortion, and would make all these excuses and justify my reasoning some how, even though I knew in my heart it was the wrong choice, and I was just making that choice to make everyone leave me alone.

I met up with Pregnancy Counseling Center in Santa Rosa, California one day after work because I was so stressed and emotional over the decision at hand. I didn't realize they were a Christian organization until I started talking to them. There were two, nice ladies that brought me into a dimly lit, small room, with three comfy chairs, some simple artwork on the walls and a feeling of peace and reassurance that I truly needed to feel at that moment. They started talking to me about how there was no positive thing that came out of abortion, and explained to me all the risks associated with one, but also gave me support, saying that I could do anything, even with a baby. They sent me off with a yellow piece of paper, that had all the risks associated with abortion listed on it. I probably read that paper a thousand times.

I started sharing this Pro-Life information (it's TRUE information) on abortion with everyone. I wanted everyone to know what would happen to me if I had an abortion. I had my face spit on, to be perfectly honest. Nobody cared why or how it happened, or how I would be emotionally and mentally changed from an abortion...they just wanted to see my LIFE get back on track!

To Be Continued...